The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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