Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
