I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
