Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
