Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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