only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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