She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
