the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
