i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
