____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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