I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
