I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You're a waste of cheezeits
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
