If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
