Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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