dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
