Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
