woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You are a genius and a whore.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize