i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
