I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize