can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
