They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
