I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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