i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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