If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
