turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
