you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
