remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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