i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
