So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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