the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
