Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
