If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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