get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
