My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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