im drinking this country out of the recession.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
