My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
