woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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