i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
