I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
