Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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