you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
