Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
