apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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