i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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