my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Can I color on your dick again?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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