I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So vagazzling was a success
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
