Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
