you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
