i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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