tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize