I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
