mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
