After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
