So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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