Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I think I died a long time ago.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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