Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
