A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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