I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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