I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Randomize