I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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