mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
