I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
