as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
