I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
