i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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