Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
