My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
